Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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