He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
