either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
