dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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