At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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