If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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