Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
