i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
