I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
