If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
