Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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