too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
