I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize