i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
