you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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