I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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