Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
