He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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