the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He felt like a one man threesome
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
