He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
