Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize