dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
