Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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