he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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