my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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