Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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