I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
