Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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