I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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