You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
