Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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