the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
