My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
