So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
