The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
