I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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