I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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