Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
