I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize