Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
