Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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