Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize