Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
