Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
