I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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