Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
