I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
