i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
