Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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