I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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