oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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