You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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