I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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