I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
