and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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