I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Randomize
