Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
