He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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