i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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