i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
