Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
